14th

This is my first V-Day as a solo act in quite some time, and to be honest its a tad shitty. Just a tad.

If there is one thing I enjoy about being with someone it is the ritual of dating.

Matching movies with bottles of wine, Matching back rubs with Body Shop products. When it comes to relationships I am a fan of everything cliche. I pride myself on blowing the mind of my significant other outside the bedroom, because quite frankly inside it...I blow everything but minds.

I am however not a pro on Valentine's Day. I actually thought that it took place on the 28th of the month until a situation evolved last year that will forever help plug that hole in the civ of my mind. This year since I am without a female to operate my powerful methods of seduction upon I turn to the whore that is fatiguefactor for a Valentines visit.

Two soundtracks, one for the lovers and one for the neapolitan consuming weepers. I'll provide a play by play that goes hand in hand with the music but do your best to ignore it. Cheers

Lovers:

8:30 - Get up before her, quietly hit the bathroom and write "I love your jawline" on the mirror with her lipstick. (Avoid anything M.A.C....actually fuck it)

8:45 - Go under the hood, tour the southland, spend a little time with god's greatest gift to man before she is out of bed. Bring your fellatious A-game. I wish I could tell you what that is.

Play: Look What You Done For Me- Al Green

10:00 - Breakfast doesn't really matter as long as some sort of fruit is cut out like a heart and you bring it in to any room where breakfasts are not usually consumed and that she is currently in: Bedroom, bathroom, sunroom, your Dad's office.

Play: Island, IS- Volcano Choir

11:00 - Hit the outdoors, I would hike our local hills Mt Finlayson or Mt Doug but any trail works. The key is to able to plant whatever gift you got for her on the back of a squirrel and train it to gift it to her, or just put it in tree. Say you have to take a pee and you don't want to slow the progress of the hike and run ahead to plant your Wal-Mart earrings somewhere earthy.

Play: Love at First Sight- Kylie Minogue

3:00 - Hit the gym, the more time she spends on the treadmill the better. You just look at yourself in the mirror.

Play: Crown on the Ground- Sleigh Bells

5:00 - Invite another couple over to your place, bbq some pork tenderloin, grill some zucchini

and absolutely destroy everyone at Balderdash.

Play: People Get up and Drive your Funky Soul- James Brown

9:00 - Bring out your Coconut body butter and make ten-fingered love to that knot right above her right shoulder blade.

Play: Love is...- Common

11:00 - Right as you finish watching Jersey Shore tell her you'd love her more if she were a guida.

11:01 - Sleep

Singles:

2:00 - Masterbate, polish off that tub of cottage cheese, call you ex, cry, get drunk.

Play: Bad Romance- Lady Gaga