Battle

Battle time, wordsmiths facing off with you as the judge(s).

Up and coming MCs are everywhere: Drake, Jay Electronica, Cyhi the Prince, Nipsey Hussle and The Ol' Nairdeezy to name a few. With so many vocalists and so few beats many of these aspiring artists have taken to the same instrumentals to prove their flow is tighter than the rest. My prose is too white (in fact right now I'm listening to Barry Manilow) to describe what goes into spawning the following bars, but I'm going to do my best to explain the tale of the tape of the following members of the hip hop community.

Battle #1

Exhibit C

Jay Electronica Vs. Cyhi the Prince

Featuring a Just Blaze beat both takes on this one are fantastic. Both artists have yet to release debut albums but offer more promise in 2010 than anyone in Hip-Hop. The first act here is pretty tough to follow. Jay sounds seasoned and smooth like a double caesar with just the right amount of Lee and Perrins. Chyi sounds raspy and gritty like a overdone pepper-corn steak but boasts a serious command on the english language. Neither MC's would would pass a grade 9 grammar test but their enunciation is stronger than just about every other due-paying rapper.

"I'm not gold rapper that's the thing they put my condoms in."

"My uzi still weigh a ton check the barometer, Im hotter than the motherfuckin sun check the thermometer."

Battle#2

Wasted

Lil Wayne Vs. Gucci Mane

Wayne is captivating, for reasons both when the mic is and isn't live. 8 root canals yesterday, 20 songs recorded last week, 3000 blunts rolled last month, 2.88 million records sold last year. Gucci is just landing on Wayne's World and it feels like home. Over a anthemic, building pop-rap beat these two go to town. Gucci actually achieves what the title of the song calls for while Wayne stays sober, choosing rather to drink his favorite beverage; his overflowing ego. He is all the better for it in my opinion, your call.

"Your flow never wet like grandma pussy, I'm flow always good like grandma cookies."

"Bout 40 goons with me and we all wasted, only remy straight tonight dawg no chasin."

Battle#3

Passing Me By

Pharcyde Vs. Cyhi the Prince

This one is a no contest, with the classic defeating in every way possible. That doesn't mean though that they both don't deserve a listen. Enjoy.

14th

This is my first V-Day as a solo act in quite some time, and to be honest its a tad shitty. Just a tad.

If there is one thing I enjoy about being with someone it is the ritual of dating.

Matching movies with bottles of wine, Matching back rubs with Body Shop products. When it comes to relationships I am a fan of everything cliche. I pride myself on blowing the mind of my significant other outside the bedroom, because quite frankly inside it...I blow everything but minds.

I am however not a pro on Valentine's Day. I actually thought that it took place on the 28th of the month until a situation evolved last year that will forever help plug that hole in the civ of my mind. This year since I am without a female to operate my powerful methods of seduction upon I turn to the whore that is fatiguefactor for a Valentines visit.

Two soundtracks, one for the lovers and one for the neapolitan consuming weepers. I'll provide a play by play that goes hand in hand with the music but do your best to ignore it. Cheers

Lovers:

8:30 - Get up before her, quietly hit the bathroom and write "I love your jawline" on the mirror with her lipstick. (Avoid anything M.A.C....actually fuck it)

8:45 - Go under the hood, tour the southland, spend a little time with god's greatest gift to man before she is out of bed. Bring your fellatious A-game. I wish I could tell you what that is.

Play: Look What You Done For Me- Al Green

10:00 - Breakfast doesn't really matter as long as some sort of fruit is cut out like a heart and you bring it in to any room where breakfasts are not usually consumed and that she is currently in: Bedroom, bathroom, sunroom, your Dad's office.

Play: Island, IS- Volcano Choir

11:00 - Hit the outdoors, I would hike our local hills Mt Finlayson or Mt Doug but any trail works. The key is to able to plant whatever gift you got for her on the back of a squirrel and train it to gift it to her, or just put it in tree. Say you have to take a pee and you don't want to slow the progress of the hike and run ahead to plant your Wal-Mart earrings somewhere earthy.

Play: Love at First Sight- Kylie Minogue

3:00 - Hit the gym, the more time she spends on the treadmill the better. You just look at yourself in the mirror.

Play: Crown on the Ground- Sleigh Bells

5:00 - Invite another couple over to your place, bbq some pork tenderloin, grill some zucchini

and absolutely destroy everyone at Balderdash.

Play: People Get up and Drive your Funky Soul- James Brown

9:00 - Bring out your Coconut body butter and make ten-fingered love to that knot right above her right shoulder blade.

Play: Love is...- Common

11:00 - Right as you finish watching Jersey Shore tell her you'd love her more if she were a guida.

11:01 - Sleep

Singles:

2:00 - Masterbate, polish off that tub of cottage cheese, call you ex, cry, get drunk.

Play: Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

Wu is Wu

I can't lie, not only am I not a fan of the term Hip Hop Head, I'm not one.

Ten seconds of any one of my twelve recorded rap verses (so far) will nail this point home harder than a Prince Fielder Rawlings spike into the home bag at Miller Park. This does not mean, however, that I don't love the genre of music that gave us the poetic gold: "I don't have a problem with you fuckin' me, but I have a little problem with you not fuckin me."

Lets look at some other things that Hip hip has given us:

Many, many interracial babies

Shiny Smiles

Vitamin Water

Hybrid Words

Popularity in Malt Liquor

Loose Fitting Trousers

Tight Fitting Trousers

Baby Phat

Male Tank Tops

A Diverse Selection of Air Force Ones

Destiny's Child's... Child (Eventually)

I recently witnessed the FULL spectrum of Hip Hop at our local rap-promoting venue, Element. And when I say full, I mean the whole fucking thing. Real Talk.

It started white, like the guys who only get milk moustaches from chocolate milk white. Like skincancernoia white, premium plus white. Take a look at the inside of your thigh that meets your undies, ya thats it. The cheeks on his face matched the ones on my ass, and as much as I like to streak I don't have the stones to do it in the daylight.

To be honest though, it was nice to see someone so racially screwed from the get-go do something so poorly. I felt like his mom in the crowd, clappin and givin him a big smile for all the wrong reasons. But hey, I havent opened for Raekwon so fuck me, much love dude.

At this point in the setlist they installed a tanning bed backstage just to make sure that when the Chef came out our eyes were actually prepared to refract the light given off by african american skin. This is when we got this:

If I could re-name this duo it would be 'Double Stuff Vanilla Oreo!' and their hit single would be "Twist and Lick" Yo fellas drop me a line me if you need a manager/career coordinator.

Needless to say DSVO put on a stellar show, look at them.

Bullshit Aside: I'm not actually sure but I think they are two of the men responsible for a local project called Dirty Haze and they actually offer some dizzying lyrical skill. I wish I could fill you in on more details regarding this act but I had already had lost bladder control at this point in the evening and was staring at a urinal puck when introductions were taking place.

I was present however for 'Fuck a Bitch-Get Money productions Presents St.Kelly'

And if you were wondering if St.Vincent and R.Kelly had a baby and it was dropped at birth and this was him, you were absolutely right: St.Kelly's Myspace

I didn't realize that Raekwon would be a charismatic, intelligent and gracious performer, but he was.

Opening with C.R.E.A.M and highlighting with House of Flying Daggers, Gihad (where he covered Ghostface's verse), Protect Ya Neck and Surgical Gloves he put on a fantastic set. He drank water, never used the towel strapped around his waist and complemented the beauty of our city several times. An ODB tribute finished the night off. Throw ya Ws in the air.