Misplacedicks

So its been a while since I've been here, but I promise you that, like pussy, I come in waves. And one time I did come in a wave. Whoosh.

Part of the reason for my absence (though its not an excuse) is lately I have been making collaborative music. What?! ya you heard me. I have been helping a female lead power pop garage rock outfit get vearginas wet. Lets go with Poprawk. Does that work as a definition? Bells and Cannons are the name we go by and we do some things well. For instance Devon, our leading lady, shakes her vocal chords better than anyone you or the guy you bought your vibrator from knows. She also is good at finding four leaf clovers. Spooky, the masterbasser, is a black ginger man. Yup. Me, I just try not to fuck the vibe up and sometimes do a decent job, I'm also really good at finding three leaf clovers. And I really want to play a party where we strictly play covers from the Billy Madison soundtrack.

So here s a little rant I wrote watching a 49ers game the other day, Ill throw up my fav tracks of the month at the bottom. Octobers finest.

Why do people boo? where did this chant come from. Instead of looking it up lets sort through some explanations that come to mind. I feel that it could have had something to do with a boob reference that was cut short by a backhand slap, perhaps taking place in a cave. Like “Bitch you wont even let me come on your booo(slap)” “All I said to her was she has great boooo(punch)” Or maybe it was simply used at first to describe grotesquely oversized pair of breasts. Man, look at those boobs, those are fuckin boooooobs! Yeah I can see it taking off from there. It might have happened at a football game too, a female with knockers so large that a man would take offense the same way he would when the running back on his team fumbles at the goal line. It may seem like a ridiculous statement but I promise you it is (possibly) true and also is something I don’t fully understand. Ya she knows she has big boobs and not everybody is down with that, but as a viewer you don’t need to go pursing your lips and arching your eyebrows making a a deep primitive noise. The same goes for our poor running back, ya we know you like the team he plays on and we know that he gets paid a lot of money to put a death grip on a piece of inflated leather, but booing doesn’t put super glue in his hands and it doesn’t turn E-cups into whatever Halle Berry is carrying. Save your air for motorboating and chanting “warm up the bus”

Thats it, for now. I have a series of short stories comin to you all in the next couple weeks. You probably know what they involve but I'll tell you anyway. Misplaced Penises.

Love ya.

Das Racist- Rappin 2 U

Gold Panda- Casio Daisy

And ya I love this guy

Back

Hello Everybody, I'm not quite sure how to go about this anymore to be honest with you. My keyboard feels like anals beads situated on a Harry Potter novel- foreign, but fun to think about the possibilities. And no I won't stick my keyboard in your ass, unless you're into that sorta thing. Glad you all could make it back, arn't you?

Two Thousand and Ten has been a fantastic year for new releases. It's hard to believe its half over but the musical catalogue proves that the past 6 months have not just been a fantastic dream, they have actually taken place. And they have taken place in sexual paradise with the most beautiful part being the soundtrack. It seems that since February all that I have wanted to listen to is glistening summer beach anthems. And conveniently enough, all that seems to be being released is tunes of this exact specification. If you were hoping for Goth Beastiality Techno records, this is not the year for you.

This year has also brought some highlights for me as a live music spectator. I have a few short point form notes to mention.

-LCD Soundsystem is the best party anywhere. Anywhere

-Vampire Weekend might look like fags but they are Anything But Fags- A.B.F

-Brother Ali looks like Santa Claus

-Z-Trip is better than Girl Talk

-My friend got jerked off from a girl standing in front of him during Deadmau5, so you know he's good.

-You arn't cool unless you pee your pants before 5pm, unless you're Ween

-I'll be at Sasquatch until I'm 40 years old

So since this year has been the year of the summer jam, I feel like I need to share my UVA/UVB playlist with you. Here is the deal: Find that lady would've been wanting to get to know and grab your candles and merlot and hit a beach with my new favorite babymaking broherim- Tallest Man on Earth.

I love to quote R. Kelly here and R. knows "Summer bodies drive me crazy"

so lets put em to use.

UVA/UVB Playlist

1) The Drums- Forever and Ever Amen

2) Drake- Fancy

3) Big K.R.I.T- Country Shit

4) Ariel Pink's Haunted Grafitti- Round and Round

5) Kanye West- Power

6) LCD Soundsystem- Pow Pow

7) Robyn- Dancing on My Own

Love you all

Aprils Best

I've been away from the game for a little while now due to the need to tend other things. This is the best time of year for the casual sports fan as well as the journeymen pervert. Running and watching the tele have been consuming most of my time of late, as well as playing suck and blow and spin the bottle with new friends.

The return to the spin the bottle arena was an eye opener for me. No more is the wild heart fluttering anticipation, no, us post-adolescent humans are much harder to please. If were not getting stroked off by nail-polished fingers while making out we just really cant get too into it.

Remember the sweet metal-filled kisses of our youth, the ones where time stood still and penis stood tall... and twitched? The notion of a hand on the small of the back used to send me over the edge. Now I need two bare breasts in my grasp to keep attentive enough to massage the lips of another with mine. I'm a great kisser but I'm a very poor masterbaterer getter.

We are doomed though arn't we, the more action we get the lazier we become. Until you turn the camera on that is. I recall my first trip under the hood, how new and exciting it was. It was like a new musical instrument really, trying to see what sorts of sounds you could get. Now I when I talk to vaginas my main goal is to simply get the favor returned, and not drown them in scotch and soda. I recently had my 22nd birthday and was out with friends who still consider me young. When I said my age someone replied "You don't even know how to fuck yet."

This is probably true, but now, looking back on the humble beginnings in the bedroom it might be time to put the effort back into effornicate. Even if its not a word.

April was also a fantastic month for music, not just for nostalgic kissing games. Cheers.

April Playlist:Here

CC

Mar 18, 2008

That was the day when dance music first got emotionally flipped on its head by the oddest of couples from the most fitting of cities. Ethan Kath and Alice Glass did different things with music. Alice beat the shit out of every song she sang on, while Ethan crafted smooth but abrasive simple electronic dance.

Ethan first spotted Alice on stage at a bar in Montreal performing for the punk band she then sang for. The rest is violent, fantastic history.

Their first record entitled 'Crystal Castles' was released on the march date above and was a collection of songs pieced together from 4 years of experimenting and playing arguably the most entertaining live shows in music. The record was completely new ground for electronic dance music because of the mood that it carried front to back. As much fun as the disc can be it doesn't sound fun. It sounds dark and full of despair in a way that Elliot Smith would be happy to dance to. Even though it carries this mood there is no denying the brilliance of it. Listening to this record is like watching the world end while agreeably bobbing your head to the hypnotic sound of it.

Through headphones it takes you to another place, but no matter how high you are or how vibrant your imagination is the place that it takes you to is nowhere near as audibly inundating as their live show.

So here we are April 15th 2010 and we finally get another fix from this face-fucking canadian duo. "Doe Deer" is a single that was set for release on record day but as now been leaked to the world via the .com. The new record comes out on June 8th and features songs called "Fainting Spells", "Baptism" and "Pap Smear". Hooh. It is also self titled and looks like that ^.

Crystal Castles "Doe Deer"

Fab Five

Happy April Folks,

This month is my favorite of the twelve, like drinking a case of beer you start feeling pretty good around the forth beverage. So ya, this month I start to feel pretty good about the year that is now upon us. It all comes right about now: Extended sunlight, shrinking clothing leading to extended organs, chocolate, furry animals, blooming tulips, hockey playoffs, NFL draft, wheat draft, poka dots, sun spots, sun roofs, no roofs and the fatigue factors fab five albums of spring.

Don't act like you didn't know.

This spring marks the renaissance of the true rock and roll band. And it does so in a large way.

A true rock All-Star team assembled in their prime putting out long awaited albums for the greater good of the world.

In the past year I have lost the yearning for the traditional rock and roll band. I have whored my ears out to the pleasure center pounding art of electronic music over the last 12 months, with their quick fix hooks and ADD melodies I really had no choice as a sexually functioning young adult. I fell victim to their offer like a cocker spaniel chasing a tennis ball on a sheet of ice; hard and often.

I liken it to my current hiatus from 5 pin bowling, I don't really miss it but it's gonna be fuckin magical to get back to it.

Now you most likely are wondering who these mythical rock legends are that are making a return to the Billboard arena to literally Come(Jizz) riffs on our out-streached arms. Well.......... we're gonna count down from 5 to prolong the anticipation.

5. Band of Horses- Infinite Arms (May 18th)

Infinite Arms is the third Band of Horses album. Their two previous releases have strong folk and country influences. Think of a Tom Petty/Willy Nelson lovechild that was hooked up to a generator for a quick second before heading on stage with The Band. These four talented musicians make you want to grow your pubic and facial hair just long enough them drenched in whiskey.

Band of Horses- The Funeral

4. The National- High Violet (May 11)

The National make melodic, rhythmic rock for lovers. Whether you are about to propose to your girlfriend or to the half wedge of lemon cheesecake in your fridge, they will put you in The mood.

"I'm put together beautifully,

big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth,

I'm a perfect piece of ass."

All words presented in a sultry baritone lull courtesy of lead singer Matt Berninger.

If I could get wet I would. And if you can get wet you should, the cover art alone is enough for the visual learners.

The National- All The Wine

3. The Hold Steady- Heaven is Whenever (May 4)

Anthem: (noun) A song, as of praise, devotion or patriotism.

The Hold Steady are your last party's soundtrack, especially if you don't remember it. If Bruce Springsteen mixed Valium with Vodka he might have as much fun as these guys...just maybe. If The Hold Steady was the only band playing Sasquatch this year I would still go, and probably do more drugs.

The Hold Steady- Stay Positive

2. The New Pornographers- Together (May 4)

Porno-power-pop-super-group.

This mostly Canadian band peaked in 2005 with their fantastic release Twin Cinema. It opened my eyes to the wonderful world of non-commercial pop music and was a mainstay in the clarion tampon that occupied the audio vagina of my Honda Civic for my three lovely year-long high school campaigns. Two of the best voices in indie rock anchor the ship to this Matador release. Expect Something Great.

The New Pornographers- The Bleeding Heart Show

1. Broken Social Scene- Forgiveness Rock Record

Broken Social Scene haven't released a full-length album as an entity in five long years. But on May 4th we get one, and all signs point to it being phenomenal. Another Canadian product Broken Social Scene have long been known for layering tracks upon tracks to create the largest and busiest songs in modern rock music. They also have an unbelievable knack for writing sweet, sweet melodies....and they love doing it. We all know Leslie Fiest from her Apple Accessibility and her man, Kevin Drew, is the driving force behind the newly trimmed down BSS record.

In the past this band has performed and recorded with as many as 12 musicians to the ecstatic acclaim of many fans. In their hiatus though, they have decided to change the way they present their songs and are now comprised of a more traditional six piece line-up. I stumbled upon them in my never-ending pre adolescent quest to find teen angst music. The name of the band seemed to me to promise a heavy dosage of maxed out Marshal amps and vocal wailing.

I was wrong.

And as in many times in my life when I am wrong, something beautiful came of it.

Enjoy.

Broken Social Scene- Cause=Time

Be My Lady

Recently a friend of mine pointed out that I have a certain bias towards only posting music created by african americans on the fatfact. I looked it up, he is right. 79% of what you will find on here is the collective creative product of the race that is harder to see in the dark. I also much prefer Chocolate milk to Vanilla Vibe. Think of the FF as the Boston Celtics of 2000's while other blogs are merely the Celts of 1980's. You have clearly made the right choice.

Today is no different, I'm sticking with our faster, flyer, funkier, fried chicken loving friends and I know they will deliver.

The Meters are possibly the best funk band of all time. The drums they recorded in the early 1980's are probably the most heavily sampled music in modern Hip Hop, and for good reason. These guys have a pulse running through them that grooves like James Brown on PCP.

The Meters- Be My Lady

More Cocoa:

Sylvania East Side Symphony- Egbi Mi O/Black Man's Cry

Franki Valli & The 4 Seasons- Beggin'

I also just finished readin a little paperback and it ended with the following insight:

"I know that history is simultaneously a bloody mess and a collection of feats so inspiring and amazing they make you proud to share the same DNA structure with the rest of humanity. I know you'd better focus on the good stuff or you're screwed. I know that the race does not go to the swift, nor the bread to the wise, so you should soak up what enjoyment you can. I know not to take the cinnamon for granted."

I know all of you are beautiful and I want to invite all of you over for dinner.

And just maybe a glass of white wine.

I now have another thing to do before I die, this:

Apparently SXSW was really cold on the weekend so it makes sense that Diplo hired an bikini-clad african go-go dancer to do handstands on his fold up rubbermaid table during his set. If this doesn't make you want to try your hand at Dj'ing, I'm not sure what would. All I wanna do is drink Hennesey and watch people go upside down. Real Talk.

It is morning right now and I found a new waking up anthem to share with all of you impulsive snooze button smashers. It is composed by a California pop rock outfit that call themselves The Morning Benders, fitting right? Opening with a hazy squinting guitar line it blooms with layers of percussion and just the right amount of da dada da da da dum's. Before you know it you will be out of bed inviting friends over for fruit and frittata's. You'll invite me if I'm lucky.

The Morning Benders- Excuses

I also started writing a little diddly involving love and coming and stuff:

There is love in you, there is love in me. It may take different methods of extraction for the two of us but the end result is uncannily similar. Love and orgasms have, hands down, got to be the two best fucking renewable resources around. When the power is out in my house I fancy starting a fire strictly using belly buttons, and belly buttons are everywhere.

Cheers Lovers,

GP

Its not often that I check out Mr. West's blog and I get a partial. This morning was an exception.

"German Playboy"

Here is a left side slice of the cover image. You only get the left side because I lack the blogger skills to center the photo....and my dick leans that way.

Masterbate: Here

What am I Doin'

"I shouldna drove, tell me how I'm gettin home,

You too fine to be laying down in bed alone,

I can tell you how to speak my language, Rosetta Stone,

I swear this life is like the sweetest thing I've ever known."

Drake released the first single off of his upcoming Thank Me Later debut album this morning.

The song follows the winning formula he demonstrated so well on So Far Gone.

I don't know which record I'm more excited for in 2010, Kanye's or Drake's....or Miley Cyrus'

Sexy Kids.

Drake- Over

Arr 'n' Bee

Rythym and Blues, its a broad topic. Let's Get It On. Let's Get Peed On. I remember the first time I listened to 12 Play. I think I learned more about sex during its opening three tracks then the talk that followed the first time I got caught masterbating to a Sears Catalogue. Before R. Kelly got stuck in the closet he was my personal Sex Ed Teacher. "Girl I'm gonna take you home and then before I roll it on, won't you pinch the tip of the Dooome."-noted

I personally don't think there is a single line in Ignition that isn't perfectly constructed.

The evolution of the genre is quite dramatic. Al Green said "Let's Get Married" while nowadays we skip the vows and sing along to "Bump and Grind" with the same heart felt facial expressions. I recently spent some time with the arguably the best hook composer in the pop world today-The Dream. The man behind Riahanna's Umbrella released an album last year that warranted a accolades of a modern day R&B resurrection. Think T-Pain without a clown hat...and with organic vocal chords.

Today I feel it's time to showcase both ends of the spectrum in this ever changing african american pioneered style of music. Rusty horns are now shimmering synths, background harmonies and now Lil' Jon yelps but Love is still Love.

The Dream-Mr Yeah

Al Green- Love and Happiness

The Dream- Love Vs. Money

Al Green- I'm Still In Love With You

Battle

Battle time, wordsmiths facing off with you as the judge(s).

Up and coming MCs are everywhere: Drake, Jay Electronica, Cyhi the Prince, Nipsey Hussle and The Ol' Nairdeezy to name a few. With so many vocalists and so few beats many of these aspiring artists have taken to the same instrumentals to prove their flow is tighter than the rest. My prose is too white (in fact right now I'm listening to Barry Manilow) to describe what goes into spawning the following bars, but I'm going to do my best to explain the tale of the tape of the following members of the hip hop community.

Battle #1

Exhibit C

Jay Electronica Vs. Cyhi the Prince

Featuring a Just Blaze beat both takes on this one are fantastic. Both artists have yet to release debut albums but offer more promise in 2010 than anyone in Hip-Hop. The first act here is pretty tough to follow. Jay sounds seasoned and smooth like a double caesar with just the right amount of Lee and Perrins. Chyi sounds raspy and gritty like a overdone pepper-corn steak but boasts a serious command on the english language. Neither MC's would would pass a grade 9 grammar test but their enunciation is stronger than just about every other due-paying rapper.

"I'm not gold rapper that's the thing they put my condoms in."

"My uzi still weigh a ton check the barometer, Im hotter than the motherfuckin sun check the thermometer."

Battle#2

Wasted

Lil Wayne Vs. Gucci Mane

Wayne is captivating, for reasons both when the mic is and isn't live. 8 root canals yesterday, 20 songs recorded last week, 3000 blunts rolled last month, 2.88 million records sold last year. Gucci is just landing on Wayne's World and it feels like home. Over a anthemic, building pop-rap beat these two go to town. Gucci actually achieves what the title of the song calls for while Wayne stays sober, choosing rather to drink his favorite beverage; his overflowing ego. He is all the better for it in my opinion, your call.

"Your flow never wet like grandma pussy, I'm flow always good like grandma cookies."

"Bout 40 goons with me and we all wasted, only remy straight tonight dawg no chasin."

Battle#3

Passing Me By

Pharcyde Vs. Cyhi the Prince

This one is a no contest, with the classic defeating in every way possible. That doesn't mean though that they both don't deserve a listen. Enjoy.

14th

This is my first V-Day as a solo act in quite some time, and to be honest its a tad shitty. Just a tad.

If there is one thing I enjoy about being with someone it is the ritual of dating.

Matching movies with bottles of wine, Matching back rubs with Body Shop products. When it comes to relationships I am a fan of everything cliche. I pride myself on blowing the mind of my significant other outside the bedroom, because quite frankly inside it...I blow everything but minds.

I am however not a pro on Valentine's Day. I actually thought that it took place on the 28th of the month until a situation evolved last year that will forever help plug that hole in the civ of my mind. This year since I am without a female to operate my powerful methods of seduction upon I turn to the whore that is fatiguefactor for a Valentines visit.

Two soundtracks, one for the lovers and one for the neapolitan consuming weepers. I'll provide a play by play that goes hand in hand with the music but do your best to ignore it. Cheers

Lovers:

8:30 - Get up before her, quietly hit the bathroom and write "I love your jawline" on the mirror with her lipstick. (Avoid anything M.A.C....actually fuck it)

8:45 - Go under the hood, tour the southland, spend a little time with god's greatest gift to man before she is out of bed. Bring your fellatious A-game. I wish I could tell you what that is.

Play: Look What You Done For Me- Al Green

10:00 - Breakfast doesn't really matter as long as some sort of fruit is cut out like a heart and you bring it in to any room where breakfasts are not usually consumed and that she is currently in: Bedroom, bathroom, sunroom, your Dad's office.

Play: Island, IS- Volcano Choir

11:00 - Hit the outdoors, I would hike our local hills Mt Finlayson or Mt Doug but any trail works. The key is to able to plant whatever gift you got for her on the back of a squirrel and train it to gift it to her, or just put it in tree. Say you have to take a pee and you don't want to slow the progress of the hike and run ahead to plant your Wal-Mart earrings somewhere earthy.

Play: Love at First Sight- Kylie Minogue

3:00 - Hit the gym, the more time she spends on the treadmill the better. You just look at yourself in the mirror.

Play: Crown on the Ground- Sleigh Bells

5:00 - Invite another couple over to your place, bbq some pork tenderloin, grill some zucchini

and absolutely destroy everyone at Balderdash.

Play: People Get up and Drive your Funky Soul- James Brown

9:00 - Bring out your Coconut body butter and make ten-fingered love to that knot right above her right shoulder blade.

Play: Love is...- Common

11:00 - Right as you finish watching Jersey Shore tell her you'd love her more if she were a guida.

11:01 - Sleep

Singles:

2:00 - Masterbate, polish off that tub of cottage cheese, call you ex, cry, get drunk.

Play: Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

Wu is Wu

I can't lie, not only am I not a fan of the term Hip Hop Head, I'm not one.

Ten seconds of any one of my twelve recorded rap verses (so far) will nail this point home harder than a Prince Fielder Rawlings spike into the home bag at Miller Park. This does not mean, however, that I don't love the genre of music that gave us the poetic gold: "I don't have a problem with you fuckin' me, but I have a little problem with you not fuckin me."

Lets look at some other things that Hip hip has given us:

Many, many interracial babies

Shiny Smiles

Vitamin Water

Hybrid Words

Popularity in Malt Liquor

Loose Fitting Trousers

Tight Fitting Trousers

Baby Phat

Male Tank Tops

A Diverse Selection of Air Force Ones

Destiny's Child's... Child (Eventually)

I recently witnessed the FULL spectrum of Hip Hop at our local rap-promoting venue, Element. And when I say full, I mean the whole fucking thing. Real Talk.

It started white, like the guys who only get milk moustaches from chocolate milk white. Like skincancernoia white, premium plus white. Take a look at the inside of your thigh that meets your undies, ya thats it. The cheeks on his face matched the ones on my ass, and as much as I like to streak I don't have the stones to do it in the daylight.

To be honest though, it was nice to see someone so racially screwed from the get-go do something so poorly. I felt like his mom in the crowd, clappin and givin him a big smile for all the wrong reasons. But hey, I havent opened for Raekwon so fuck me, much love dude.

At this point in the setlist they installed a tanning bed backstage just to make sure that when the Chef came out our eyes were actually prepared to refract the light given off by african american skin. This is when we got this:

If I could re-name this duo it would be 'Double Stuff Vanilla Oreo!' and their hit single would be "Twist and Lick" Yo fellas drop me a line me if you need a manager/career coordinator.

Needless to say DSVO put on a stellar show, look at them.

Bullshit Aside: I'm not actually sure but I think they are two of the men responsible for a local project called Dirty Haze and they actually offer some dizzying lyrical skill. I wish I could fill you in on more details regarding this act but I had already had lost bladder control at this point in the evening and was staring at a urinal puck when introductions were taking place.

I was present however for 'Fuck a Bitch-Get Money productions Presents St.Kelly'

And if you were wondering if St.Vincent and R.Kelly had a baby and it was dropped at birth and this was him, you were absolutely right: St.Kelly's Myspace

I didn't realize that Raekwon would be a charismatic, intelligent and gracious performer, but he was.

Opening with C.R.E.A.M and highlighting with House of Flying Daggers, Gihad (where he covered Ghostface's verse), Protect Ya Neck and Surgical Gloves he put on a fantastic set. He drank water, never used the towel strapped around his waist and complemented the beauty of our city several times. An ODB tribute finished the night off. Throw ya Ws in the air.

Feinicks

I attended Phoenix at the Orpheum theatre this past friday in the now, very secure city of Vancouver. I still have trouble understanding how this band is not the most popular band on earth. Their music makes 12 year old girls twist and me come simultaneously with absolutely no coincidence. I can see Listomania being the theme song to my great aunt Rosemary's weekly bridge tournament, Frank can take a seat. These guys from France unlocked the code far before Tom Hanks did: Harmonic Delay pedals+Perfect Percussion+Synth Cameos+Angelic Vocals=Better than U2

They opened their set with the aforementioned Listomania and highlighted with Rome, Girlfriend and Love Like a Sunset. They mixed in two-man renditions of Everything is Everything and Air's Playground Love before they launched into their encore of 1901....Where everyone, including myself, decided to jump onstage.

And now for the real story, the one where I came into contact with my first 60 year old homosexual.

Girl beside me looks good right, she looks about as good as the last tequila and 7 I managed to deep throat in the lobby of the magical Orpheum fifteen minutes previous. She also looks like she wants to maybe make out to heighten the experience of the show...at least, according to the the horny little man on my shoulder or.. I mean, my pants. I grab her hand a couple times, smile at her, do my usual creep moves waiting for the shut down to my expedition to see her nipples in candlelight. Things are going well, alcohol flows through my veins, French Pop Rock flows through my ears and I feel a hand grabbing the seam in my jeans. AAAH Yea! girl wants it, this is too easy. I smile one of those lil wayne smiles that usually happen just after you shoplift an Eat-More from 7-11. Free pleasure is comin my way in the form of skin contact through the palm. I reach down and grab that five fingered treasure map to fucking to realize that it is a little bigger than before, maybe even slightly more coarse. I wonder if she has been rubbing her breasts vigorously in between songs in an attempt to prepare her nipples for my succulent kiss, therefore drying her hands to the leatherness of a construction worker. I dig my thumb into her palm, rub it around, she digs back, squeezes and suddenly, due to the sheer force of the squeeze...I take a look at her. She is clearly smoking a joint with her right hand and has her left arm around another good looking twenty something. I turn forward to see the blue and yellow Nautica sweater from the Sears October catalogue strangely stretched towards my midsection. In my half-cut state it takes me 2.9 seconds to realize I'm enjoying being the current victim of Vancouver's finest white-haired hand-rapist. I smile one of those smiles when u wake up after sleeping on your front steps for six hours to find your keys in your jacket pocket when you thought you had left them on the kitchen counter before your roommate locked the door. One of those smiles where you gaze at the sky.

Have u ever tried dodging the incredibly accurate queer fist of a cunning 60 year old homo in a pop-rock mosh-pit? no? me neither.... until friday. He threw street fighter jabs at my cock for the final 4 songs of the set while I did my best Beyonce 'single ladies' impersonation to avoid them. Good thing I practice that dance daily in my shower.

I resorted to jumping on stage for the final song of the act and soon realized that all the security guards in Vancouver were protecting the fake trees with leaves designed by kindergartens on Granville and Georgia and not protecting Phoenix. K-Os smoked a blunt and took pictures of me as I jammed with the amazing backbone of the band. Great Show.

And for the record Beyonce could not do that dance if she had a penis....

Check The Thermometer

So ABC's, thats where it all starts right. Michael said so. Its easy, its simple.

I can do it, you can too.

If we pretend for a minute that ABC is the original and universal acronym can we come up with anything good?

Already Been Chewed

Always Bend Concave

All Boobs Convince

Annual Breast Celebration

A Bruised Cock

After Boning Cat-Nap

Ask Bill Cosby

Aim Below Cunt

Already Been Cocked

A Brown Cow

A Brown Cutie

A Brown Cockmuncher

A Black Cellmate

A Bum Cave

Always Be Comin Damn Early

A Beautiful Croatian

I could go for awhile but the main idea behind the this acronymial assault is to set up the newest single Jay Electronica has decided to release- Exhibit C. The delivery bubbles with a caliber of MC talent that is hard to find in today's modern thoughtless, money-bragging hip hop scene. Its refreshing to hear a story being told in the form of a rap record. We hear a rags to riches tale over a looped recollective string line and we wonder why this can't happen more often. Very few MCs have been able to master the craft of explaining what it took for them to be who they are, while bragging and rhyming simultaneously with such flow and conviction. Ill save the comparisons for other spaces, enjoy:

Jay Electronica- Exhibit C