Loosen up mine

We all know how to push buttons. I do, you do. I hit snooze, you hit brew. You hit false, I hit true. Gamer do it, pilots do too. Shit my mom texts, but not as fast as you. Denim flys, underneath ties, Teddy bear eyes and anyone who cries.

My button pushing peak was back in my DDR days, I would simultaneously hit back, left, right while pushing the 'piss off' button of the dude who could hear his girlfriends virgin slice moisten at the sight of my agility on the mat. Nowadays the only crotch moisture I experience is when my testicular pores are painstakingly juiced like Pomegranates when I wear my leather pants. Think tea bag, minus the forehead.

Shit..theres are all kinds of Buttons but fuck...fuck buttons, What the fuck are those?

Groovy Trance, Not quite dance, Audio Romance, your lover as she pants.

They're two guys and only they truly know, they have given us clues. Here's my fav two:

Fuck Buttons-Olympians

Fuck Buttons-Flight of the Feathered Serpent

Lemme Get Some

The weather's been shit lately and I've continued on my sick streak (sick cold sick, not sick minded sick...that one's here to stay), clearly mother nature is trying to tell me something here. I could: A) cuddle up with my man of choice, bottle of choice (Hennessy or Buckleys) and movie of choice and get some good lovin' and healin' action, or B) carry on with my no ass streak (aka no lovin', no healin'), other everyday events and maybe take one day to sit in front of my computer and continue to search blogs far and wide for my next great obsession.

Clearly because I'm still sick I chose B. I chose to vent those pent up inappropriate thoughts through Hot Chip's newest single Take It In. It's seemingly harmless pop sound gives them a good boy image, but let me ask you this Hot Chip: what exactly are you taking in? Clearly my mind and most others jump to obsene thoughts not safe for daytime television.

A somewhat more relatable artist (for the ladies anyway) to vent your dirty dreams through is Amanda Blank. She says what I'm always thinking and am just too afraid to say out loud. Either way, pump this loud when you're getting some "alone time", it's bound to get the hearts racin' of boys and girls alike.

Hot Chip - Take It In

Amanda Blank - Might Like You Better

Weezy Peezy

Believe it or not I have my own hip-hop group. Real Talk.

We don't do shows, we don't wear chains, we arn't the shit.

We record intoxicated, immature, intoxicated, perverted, single white guy anthems.

The content is probably only funny to the people who are in the room when the mic is live but there are strange parallels lyrically, to the most popular rapper under 5'5 with our up and coming ensemble, well maybe not but for fun lets make a case for it.

See if you can guess which line is from which genius:

"I take her to the vet, cause she a bad bitch."

"I can see that your donut's glazin, but my dick in your mouth would be more amazing."

"I make my girl come first and I arrive later."

"I can't shit on cue, but I can shit on you."

"Your flow never wet like grandma pussy, my flow always good like grandma cookies"

"I know you want my load in your bin, but with that hairy mitt I can't even find your rim"

Lil Wayne recently put out a new mixtape where he generously pours his scatterbrain thoughts over radio-ready pop beats like low-fat Aunt Jemima over buttermilk Eggo's. I highly suggest you give it a spin and also warn you never to listen to the hip hop I have created, I'll stick to typing not spitting.

Lil Wayne- Throw it in the Bag

Pusseh- Throw it in the Trough

Keep Warm

It feels as though it has happened, scents of sunscreen and chlorine have vanished into the grey cold air for this, our tenth, year of the 00's. I find myself reaching for my sunglasses strictly due to habit and with little sense of purpose. I have debuted my Stanfields long johns and have turned a blind eye to my Conair trimmer that usually, once a month, navigates the delicate ridges of my testicles.

A friend of mine put it best as we recollected of the not so far off days of puncturing mini kegs with river bank pebbles while lying fetal in rubber tubes.

"It's drinking season"

Though there are many ways of keeping warm in this season we find ourselves in, I have a couple of favorite ways, as I'm sure you do.

Bottles:

The Show- Cab Sav/California

Ruffino-Orvieto/Italy

Bumps:

Dizzee Rascal- Freaky Freaky

YACHT- I'm In Love With A Ripper

Grinds:

The xx- Stars

The Antlers- Kettering

Light a candle, pour a glass, rub an oiled back, and do it to the slow sweet melodies that make you the wettest, if thats even a word.

Think about it

"Im tellin you now, the way we fuck gonna lead to child birthin"

Now this seems like some ridiculously good sex, does it not?

and if anybody would know it would be the R of R&B, R. Kelly. I know little on this particular subject but I do know this song gets me very prepared to concieve.... whether or not there is a willing egg in the vicinity. The word on the street is that Think About Life stumbled upon this sample when digging through a $1.99 disc bin at their local refueling station, the usual place for sped-up-sampling sexual chemistry. TAL must be reaping a fairly good return on their dollar bin investment since I spent almost a dollar on this jam myself. If nothing else I write convinces you to give the song a shot, the fact that I spent what amounts to 2/3rds of a small dipped cone on the legal purchasing of it should.

Think About Life- Havin' my Baby

The play if you live in Victoria tomorrow night is to arrive at Lucky bar with your loudest shirt and tightest pants around 9pm and hop on the Dreamboat. A sailing to your nostalgic pleasure centers is promised. Nevermind the strange poster.